I've been doing a Steiner-Waldorf Education Teacher Training course for three months so far. This is a part-time course that all of us, including the tutors and students, only need to meet up one weekend per month plus two whole weekdays during Easter and Summer holidays. We’ve been focusing on reading how Steiner has written about ‘human beings’ and how our ‘soul’ weaves into the meaning of our existence. On top of this, we need to do lots of art works, such as drawings and knitting, and also to reflect upon our own Educational experience. When I got the feedback from my tutor concerning the reflection of my own Education, I was full of joys because I can tell my tutor really spent lots of time reading my writing and her comments were so moving and genuine.
It is a great privilege for me to be able to restart a beautiful student life with such interesting and insightful course work!!
Here is my writing No. 1 that I’d like to share with you:
Reflect on my own education and its influence on me
When I started my school life in a Kindergarten at the age of five, I could only firstly remember the snacks they provided there. I had to do some course work there, which I completely forgot its content, and then to happily expect my favourite snack, ‘rice-porridge cooked with some raisins’. It used to be such a plain snack but I just absolutely loved its warm, soft and wet touches in my mouth combined with the slightly sweet and sour taste from the raisins. Everyday, I went to school and I expected for eating it. Another thing that I expected was the game ‘role-playing’ set on the slide during our break time repeating nearly everyday. Because I was probably the most intelligent kid among my peers, I always got the leading role which was the biggest and most powerful princess in our imaginative kingdom. I enjoyed playing this role again and again day after day, which seemed to have established one of my characteristics, ‘being a leader among a bunch of people’.
I also got the chance to learn playing piano and ballet, in which I had explored the artistic sides of me. Unfortunately, I had a very harsh piano teacher who eventually put me off from playing piano after six years of practice. All I could remember was that she would use her ‘white and blue ball pen’ to hit my fingers if I had made any mistakes on the notes that I should play. Even until today, I will still find myself easily interested in songs/music particularly produced by the sound of piano, but I’m still scared of sitting in front of a piano and playing some notes. However, because I only spent one year on dancing ballet which didn’t affect me too much, I have luckily kept my love for dancing. Nowadays, I will do lots of free dancing either with groups or alone during my leisure time. Apart from my piano teacher, no other teacher appears in the memory of my education during the Kindergarten stage.
When I started my education at a primary school (age 6 to 12), I was soon appointed as the class leader to manage the students’ behaviours when the teacher was not in the class. Every time when my teacher was absent from our class, the whole class started to get wilder and wilder. There was so much noise and messing about among my classmates that I didn’t know how to manage them correctly and efficiently. The only two things that I learned to do were: firstly, to write down their names on the blackboard if they miss behaved so then I could report to my teacher; secondly, to copy what my teacher used to do: to command everyone to stand up and she would hit everyone’s palms with a stick. I did the same to my classmates as what my teacher used to do, if the whole class was completely out of control. This way of disciplining the class might seem so unbelievable right now, but it was exactly how it happened then and there.
I couldn’t remember whether my teacher was aware of what I was doing when she was not in the class. She didn’t say anything to me until one day, a parent of my anonymous classmate came to the school and made a complaint to my teacher as, ‘how dare Yuan was to hit my loved child!’ When my teacher informed me and asked me not to hit any pupils any more, I clearly felt a huge sense of humiliation and embarrassment flushing through my chest to my head. I felt as if the whole class hated me and no one would be my friend any more! I could neither remember what my teacher exactly told me or whether she made some effort to comfort me afterwards, but this incidence had kept deeply in my heart as a shameful wound/mistake forever. This had also acted an influential impact to my future role among my peers because I rarely found myself confident and comfortable enough to be the leader of a group any more. Even though, I was still elected or appointed to be the leader of my class from time to time since then.
Looking back to the Education from home at that time, all I could remember was my lovely Dad’s intensive love and patience to me. He had spent tones of time with me: reading me a book, helping me out for school tasks or listening to music together etc. Everybody said that I was my Dad’s only love and this made my other two brothers invisible. Sometimes I would feel sympathetic to my ignored brothers, but most of the time, I focused on myself and very much enjoyed the privilege of the full-attention given by Dad. However, there was one thing that I never understood, that was his terrible and unloving relationship with my Mum comparing with the way he had been treating me. This made me feel very confused and eager to know what love is all about. How could love feel so contradictory? I started my journey in searching (questioning) for the true meaning of love from being a very little girl.
I could always easily get excellent grades for those academic subjects, which happened to be highly valued by school teachers. There were two terms per academic year and in the beginning of every term, the school would hold a competition for the best classroom decoration. Because of my good academic performance, I was allowed to skip the lessons, quietly stay in the back of our classroom and decorate it. I felt so free and happy doing the artistic craftwork as well as whispering with my best mates who I could choose to work with. Therefore, I sneakily postponed the finishing time of preparation for the competition. I was so proud and fearless for not joining the lessons because I only needed to sit at my desk intensively studying the tasks alone and listen to my teacher for revision two weeks before the big exams. ‘I can get good grades anytime anyway’, I thought.
However, when I reflect this general pattern of doing my study, I finally realize how much time I have wasted on feeling anxious about completing my course work because I just cannot finish my tasks at the last minute. I think I have acquired a bad habit for doing my study since then.
I was pretty dominant and had very strong points of view on many things. For instance, we set targets before our exams and if someone couldn’t reach the targets, he/she had to accept the punishment: the class teacher could hit his/her palms with a stick. Once, I argued with my class teacher who seemed to favour girls more than boys because he hit boys obviously harder. Although I never needed to accept the punishment, I still didn’t like my teacher’s unfairness. Perhaps, I also subconsciously hated this system of setting targets and getting punishment, which would only remind me of the shame on hitting my own peers. I raised many reasons for my argument to my teacher, and magically, he apologized to me! It was my first time to experience an adult’s apology as far as I could remember and I considered that as a miracle.
This event has taught me to be a fair and honest person. If I’ve made some mistake, I just need to admit it and say a ‘sorry’ to the person involved, no matter whether this person is a child or an adult. Also, I was encouraged to be brave and fight for my own justice.
Despite all those ‘glorious achievements’ in my school life so far, there was constantly a secret sense of being a failure in my mind. That was, I never won a medal in any of those sporting competitions. I used to tell myself, ‘I will give up any of my other paper certificates in order to exchange a shiny and beautiful medal that is only seen on the sporting events.’ But unfortunately, this wish has never come true in my life.
After I entered a junior and senior high school (age 12 to 18), I had been aware of my life gradually going into a dark period in which I rarely felt happy or interested in things around me. I went to a private girls’ school. It was famous for its highly academic reputation and strict disciplines, and there were always quiz or exams waiting for me to complete. The teachers there always said to us, ‘this is for YOUR OWN GOOD to test you so you will spend some time on studying.’ I didn’t know whether they genuinely thought in this way or not, but I only felt myself having to work very hard to catch up with all the requirements and there were very few things at school that would cheer me up. When I went home from a dreadful school, I felt even more frustrated because my Mum and Dad were either always arguing or treating each other with icy coldness. They both claimed that they loved me very much, but why couldn’t they love each other? I needed something more than what those adults had showed me and thought what was beneficial to me, but I had very little time, strength and ability to search for the meaningfulness in life.
Once again, I only spent the last minute on studying my text books, and I used lots of time, including my sleeping time, on reading novels for romance or love. It seemed that there was a huge empty hole in my heart which was eager to be filled with love, even thought I was very confused about what love actually was. My Science teacher then somehow filled that hole for me for about two years!
My Science teacher was enthusiastic for the knowledge in Science as well as for poems and beauties. He would spend sometime on explaining how Physics works in general in his lessons, and then read some of his favourite poems to us during the free time. It didn’t take me too much time to experience a complete crush on him especially when I watched and listened to him reading and imagined all those beautiful scenes in his chosen poems. My fantasy about him somehow encouraged and interested me to study Science spontaneously. I was willing to initiate my study in Science without the pressure from exams. In his lessons, I was always enthusiastic to raise my hand and ask questions if I had some, and I just couldn’t wait to get my answers right back.
However, unfortunately, my peers didn’t like how I behaved in the Science class at all. They responded their dislikes by grouping other girls and leaving me in a totally isolated social situation. They also made a complaint to my Science teacher about me asking too many questions during the lessons. I had then been through a tough period with nearly no friend being there and supporting me. It was until 20 years after that incidence when I started my study for a Master’s degree in the UK, sitting in a class full of questions and discussions, watching my other UK classmates free of speaking in the class, that I finally realized how much I had suppressed myself from freely speaking my own voice in the public. I had to work for quite a long time on reflecting and clarifying those fears in my mind, and cleaning those damages in me from the past, in order to totally enjoy my student life again.
Because of the influence from the constant exams and the impacts after getting my exam papers back which might be covered with wrong answers, I’ve now found myself being so cautious about making any mistakes. I often find myself wasting so much time on making sure the information is correct and being so obsessed to double (triple or even quartic) check the numbers for my payslips, bank account details, or passwords etc. Sometime, I felt so tired of myself behaving in this way but I just couldn’t stop this obsessive habit. I have a continuous pain on my left shoulder for nearly ten years so far and I guess from my instinct that the pain has something to do with this intensive personality that has developed for years in me.
Generally speaking, I don’t like my school life before the age of 18 very much. It seems that those interactions among people surrounded me have a larger influence on me, comparing with the academic learning experience. I barely remember the academic influence on me though. Even if there was any, I just don’t feel that I have a need to reflect upon it.
Is there a saying that you cannot get a harvest season full of beautiful blossoms if you have not been through a cruelly cold winter? I don’t know whether this idea also applies to how we have learned and developed from our school life, but if I can choose again for my own Education, I’d rather like to choose a more cheerful and interesting one.
