Today, Mth. and I had our brunches in the “Goldbrick House”, where Mth. often had meals with her lover, Pr. In the middle of our meals, she saw Pr. passing by again!! She has been bumping into him coincidentally everyday recently: there must be some magic in her that she could sense her lover so correctly. Anyway, she asked, ‘should I go and talk to him?’ I understood she had been thinking about that so much lately, so I encouraged her and said, ‘be careful for the cars!’
From my first instinct, I didn’t think Pr. would be happy to talk to her, so I naturally expected Pr. would just turn away from Mth. But a second thought came to my mind, ‘don’t I want to be an angel? So pray for both of them to the best outcomes!’ I prayed both of them for knowing how to deal with their problems with a lot of mature love, compassions. When Mth. came back to me, she was shivering. After a while, she finally said, ‘I had a lot of words that I wanted to talk to Pr., but the only word I could say was “sorry!” And, he said “sorry” to me too.’ Oh my God! My prayers worked!
I was so touched and said, ‘you did exactly what I had done to Ar.! That night while staying with him, I had a lot of words that I felt I must tell him. But until the last minute when I had to leave, the only words that could come out of my mouth were, “take care of your girl friend, and yourself too!”’ Mth. and I both ended up with tears lingering around our eyes…
It must be my idealistic love now: I just naturally loved without asking for anything in return.
My dear Ar., I can really keep my words this time now (I used to be a loser who always ruined my intimate relationships): I said I will work hard on our relationship, and I have made it from my part! We both left, because I could sense if we kept going on under the same old situation, we would end up like my parents, hating each other. I would hate you treating me like a shit, and you would hate me messing up your career. Since both of us were very confused and fragile at that time, there was no way to break the barriers through other than ‘having a break’. When I felt I could handle it, I became stumbled because I had no idea how long I would be able to stay in the UK! I had nothing to give you to promise you a happy future!
At the first time when I read your letter informing me that ‘you had a girl friend’, I cried and cried all night restlessly, feeling my heart would explode any time. The day after, I said to my friend, ‘I finally realized why I had the heart problem as “Mitral Valve Prolapse”. I thought I still lived in the Heaven and always tried to love people with my whole heart. But I forgot that I had a human’s body and an imperfect personality, and my heart couldn’t take the heaviness properly.’ That night (in September), I felt I was playing the most exciting games in a fun fair, none stopping!
After that night, I also dreamt that you had a very big penis: as big as a person’s height. Therefore, I tried to comfort myself that you only had a girl friend for the sexual needs. I felt terribly sorry that as such a masculine guy like you, you must have been experiencing a very tough time! However, my heart couldn’t stay in peace until I met your new girl friend in my other dream: she performed as perfect as a woman should do. Suddenly, I realized, how could I announce that ‘I have completely loved you’ without being able to appreciate everything that you have loved?
If my human-like obsessive love couldn’t work out in our relationship, then I must change: I searched and searched for answers. Ironically, I finally found that I was eligible to completely love you until the moment that I could also appreciate your new girl friend. Until the moment that I could naturally bless you all the best in your life! I could also amazingly set myself free, at the same time when I finally set you free from my mind!
It is difficult and too much like a Saint, I know; but it is the only solution that I could have found to fix our broken relationship! It is still difficult to me at the moment, but I know it is not impossible! One thing that will keep supporting me is my inner light, which will help me getting closer and closer to your soul, where there is no need for me to physically possess you. Keep in believing, believe in ‘love and freedom’; someday and somehow, we will eventually make it!
I was a bit disappointed when you said, ‘be careful: never let my girl friend know you stay here for one night! She is very jealous.’ In my mind, you are a freedom fighter, my hero and my rebel! ‘Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?’ Are we still like 'two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year?' (Wish you were here/ Pink Floyd) I really don't want the same old fears any more!!
So, please don’t! Please still fight for your freedom no matter whom you are dating with! You are very talented for that, you know?! Try to explain to your girl gently and nicely about your needs, try to work somehow to fix it, but never compromise! It feels so alone to insist on what my soul has told me, so please don’t take away your most valuable parts just because of the weakness. Or I will feel even more alone by knowing that! We don’t have to stay together, but please don’t surrender!
I really don’t know what will happen in the future, but I wish you all the best and good luck with your new intimate relationship! By the way, if you are free someday or somehow, you are more than welcome to come back to my warm and healthy heart: it's nice and cosy now :-)
