TO UNDERSTAND LOVE

Mth. sent me this message, and I couldn't stop crying while reading it...

The more that I'm sure about myself walking on the right path, the more tears I can easily gain.
Oh my dear God, that's all you wanted me to learn all those years, didn't you?

From Swami Vivekanantha :

I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me.
Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with some water and held it before me, and said this: "You see this
water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love."

This was how I saw it: "As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there.

However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, it will spill through the first cracks it finds.

This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love...they try to posses it, they demand, they expect... and just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will retrieve from you.
For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature.
If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings.

Give and don't expect.
Advise, but don't order.
Ask, but never demand.

It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. It is the secret to true love.

To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring."

Passing thought...

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take;
but by the moments that take our breath away ..

Those Words that I Have Swallowed...

Today, Mth. and I had our brunches in the “Goldbrick House”, where Mth. often had meals with her lover, Pr. In the middle of our meals, she saw Pr. passing by again!! She has been bumping into him coincidentally everyday recently: there must be some magic in her that she could sense her lover so correctly. Anyway, she asked, ‘should I go and talk to him?’ I understood she had been thinking about that so much lately, so I encouraged her and said, ‘be careful for the cars!’

From my first instinct, I didn’t think Pr. would be happy to talk to her, so I naturally expected Pr. would just turn away from Mth. But a second thought came to my mind, ‘don’t I want to be an angel? So pray for both of them to the best outcomes!’ I prayed both of them for knowing how to deal with their problems with a lot of mature love, compassions. When Mth. came back to me, she was shivering. After a while, she finally said, ‘I had a lot of words that I wanted to talk to Pr., but the only word I could say was “sorry!” And, he said “sorry” to me too.’ Oh my God! My prayers worked!

I was so touched and said, ‘you did exactly what I had done to Ar.! That night while staying with him, I had a lot of words that I felt I must tell him. But until the last minute when I had to leave, the only words that could come out of my mouth were, “take care of your girl friend, and yourself too!”’ Mth. and I both ended up with tears lingering around our eyes…

It must be my idealistic love now: I just naturally loved without asking for anything in return.

My dear Ar., I can really keep my words this time now (I used to be a loser who always ruined my intimate relationships): I said I will work hard on our relationship, and I have made it from my part! We both left, because I could sense if we kept going on under the same old situation, we would end up like my parents, hating each other. I would hate you treating me like a shit, and you would hate me messing up your career. Since both of us were very confused and fragile at that time, there was no way to break the barriers through other than ‘having a break’. When I felt I could handle it, I became stumbled because I had no idea how long I would be able to stay in the UK! I had nothing to give you to promise you a happy future!

At the first time when I read your letter informing me that ‘you had a girl friend’, I cried and cried all night restlessly, feeling my heart would explode any time. The day after, I said to my friend, ‘I finally realized why I had the heart problem as “Mitral Valve Prolapse”. I thought I still lived in the Heaven and always tried to love people with my whole heart. But I forgot that I had a human’s body and an imperfect personality, and my heart couldn’t take the heaviness properly.’ That night (in September), I felt I was playing the most exciting games in a fun fair, none stopping!

After that night, I also dreamt that you had a very big penis: as big as a person’s height. Therefore, I tried to comfort myself that you only had a girl friend for the sexual needs. I felt terribly sorry that as such a masculine guy like you, you must have been experiencing a very tough time! However, my heart couldn’t stay in peace until I met your new girl friend in my other dream: she performed as perfect as a woman should do. Suddenly, I realized, how could I announce that ‘I have completely loved you’ without being able to appreciate everything that you have loved?

If my human-like obsessive love couldn’t work out in our relationship, then I must change: I searched and searched for answers. Ironically, I finally found that I was eligible to completely love you until the moment that I could also appreciate your new girl friend. Until the moment that I could naturally bless you all the best in your life! I could also amazingly set myself free, at the same time when I finally set you free from my mind!

It is difficult and too much like a Saint, I know; but it is the only solution that I could have found to fix our broken relationship! It is still difficult to me at the moment, but I know it is not impossible! One thing that will keep supporting me is my inner light, which will help me getting closer and closer to your soul, where there is no need for me to physically possess you. Keep in believing, believe in ‘love and freedom’; someday and somehow, we will eventually make it!

I was a bit disappointed when you said, ‘be careful: never let my girl friend know you stay here for one night! She is very jealous.’ In my mind, you are a freedom fighter, my hero and my rebel! ‘Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?’ Are we still like 'two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year?' (Wish you were here/ Pink Floyd) I really don't want the same old fears any more!!

So, please don’t! Please still fight for your freedom no matter whom you are dating with! You are very talented for that, you know?! Try to explain to your girl gently and nicely about your needs, try to work somehow to fix it, but never compromise! It feels so alone to insist on what my soul has told me, so please don’t take away your most valuable parts just because of the weakness. Or I will feel even more alone by knowing that! We don’t have to stay together, but please don’t surrender!

I really don’t know what will happen in the future, but I wish you all the best and good luck with your new intimate relationship! By the way, if you are free someday or somehow, you are more than welcome to come back to my warm and healthy heart: it's nice and cosy now :-)

The Lovers

Since I started to focus on meditation, tried to purify myself and find the truths of my fears and problems, a lot of strange things have been happening continuously. Last night, I found myself locked out of my flat by accidence, it was 11:15 pm already, and my flatmate, Mth., was on her first day of the three-day trip in London.

I stood under a very beautiful starring night, and regretted, ‘I shouldn’t have appreciated its beauty: maybe it had heard my worship and replied me in such a “romantic way”-- to put me standing in the freezing air all night.’ Or, I shouldn’t have missed Ar. so much all day yesterday, so God had heard me and tried to arrange this situation to force me searching for Ar.’s help. Maybe, the last possibility: God tried to remind me that I hadn’t completely detached from the obsessive love towards Ar., so I would never be set free and learn something about the higher level of love, ‘compassion’.

After all night of sleepless suffers from the pain of my heart and the restless thoughts in Ar.’s room, I’m now very sure the reason of this accidental event indicates to the last possibility. Just one day before yesterday, I drew an Osho Zen Tarot Card asking about my future intimate relationship regarding the issue of staying in the UK. I’ve got the one called, ‘lovers’:

‘There are three things that we need to remember: the bottom level of love is sex, it belongs to body. The highest and purest level of love is compassion. Sex is under the love, compassion is above the love, and the love situates in the middle. If you become very aware, alerted and peaceful, then the sex will transform into the love. If your inner peace becomes very completed and pure, the love will transform into the compassion. The sex is the seed, the love is the flower, and the compassion is its scents.

‘Lord Buddha defines the compassion as ‘the love plus a peaceful mind’. When your love doesn’t eager for others’ return, when your love is not only a need, when your love is to share, when your love doesn’t beg but is a king’s love, when your love doesn’t ask for others’ return but is always ready to give, purely to give for the joys of giving, and plus a peaceful mind; then the beautiful scents are released. That is compassion, and compassion is the highest level within the whole love phenomenon.

‘What we have talked about the love are actually all connected, from the earth (materials) to the sky (incarnation). In the material level, the love is seduced by the sex. There are many of us who are trapped in that, because our conditionings have applied too much expectation and suppression on the sex. In fact, the biggest problem of sex is that it never lasts long. Only when we accept this fact, we will be able to celebrate its originality. To welcome the sex while its happening, and when it disappears, just say good-bye to it with gratitude.

‘Then, when we become mature, we will be able to experience the love that is higher than the sex, and to appreciate others’ unique individuality. We will start to realize: our partners could often be our mirrors. They reflect our problems that used to be ignored deeply inside ourselves, and at the same time, they support us to become more completed. This kind of love is based on freedom, and it is not from an expectation or a need. Its wings will bring us higher and higher, towards to the great love of the universe, and those are the experiences that will teach us to become “the one”.’

Now I finally understand why Ar. used to irritate me so easily, and how much I have learned from him. Thank you so much, my dear Ar...

Happy Birthday to EveryOne!!

I had my 34th birthday dinner with some friends, and every of them received my 'birthday reversing cards' written as:
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A brand new experience that I gained when I sat in the Hippodrome watching '42nd Street'.

It felt my spirit was contained in a new body, and I couldn't stop laughing and talking to myself, 'Oh, this body is so cool to use! This planet is worthy to come!'

About my 34th birthday wish—

I wish to keep working on this great mission: to be an angel.

Of course, this angel will be experiencing all events in a life, career, marriage, having children, getting old & die!

***It feels fantastic to have a dream and the faith that this dream will come true soon.
What's your dream? My dear friend!

Happy Birthday to EveryOne!!

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Is it very difficult to understand? Well, when you try to do only one thing at a time, and practice to put all your awareness on everything you're doing; generally, you will know what I meant, ha! It's called 'the Miracle of Mindfulness', by Thich Nhat Hanh.

I was very touched when one of my friends said at the dinner, after reading this card:
'Yuan is still worshiping her spring roll'.

Sometimes you just can easily sense the distance of different souls by one eyes contact, a touch or a word. That is really beautiful!

Happy Birthday to EveryOne in the end ~.~