What a beautiful brand new student life!! [When my study meets the real needs in me...]

I've been doing a Steiner-Waldorf Education Teacher Training course for three months so far. This is a part-time course that all of us, including the tutors and students, only need to meet up one weekend per month plus two whole weekdays during Easter and Summer holidays. We’ve been focusing on reading how Steiner has written about ‘human beings’ and how our ‘soul’ weaves into the meaning of our existence. On top of this, we need to do lots of art works, such as drawings and knitting, and also to reflect upon our own Educational experience. When I got the feedback from my tutor concerning the reflection of my own Education, I was full of joys because I can tell my tutor really spent lots of time reading my writing and her comments were so moving and genuine.

It is a great privilege for me to be able to restart a beautiful student life with such interesting and insightful course work!!

Here is my writing No. 1 that I’d like to share with you:

Reflect on my own education and its influence on me

When I started my school life in a Kindergarten at the age of five, I could only firstly remember the snacks they provided there. I had to do some course work there, which I completely forgot its content, and then to happily expect my favourite snack, ‘rice-porridge cooked with some raisins’. It used to be such a plain snack but I just absolutely loved its warm, soft and wet touches in my mouth combined with the slightly sweet and sour taste from the raisins. Everyday, I went to school and I expected for eating it. Another thing that I expected was the game ‘role-playing’ set on the slide during our break time repeating nearly everyday. Because I was probably the most intelligent kid among my peers, I always got the leading role which was the biggest and most powerful princess in our imaginative kingdom. I enjoyed playing this role again and again day after day, which seemed to have established one of my characteristics, ‘being a leader among a bunch of people’.

I also got the chance to learn playing piano and ballet, in which I had explored the artistic sides of me. Unfortunately, I had a very harsh piano teacher who eventually put me off from playing piano after six years of practice. All I could remember was that she would use her ‘white and blue ball pen’ to hit my fingers if I had made any mistakes on the notes that I should play. Even until today, I will still find myself easily interested in songs/music particularly produced by the sound of piano, but I’m still scared of sitting in front of a piano and playing some notes. However, because I only spent one year on dancing ballet which didn’t affect me too much, I have luckily kept my love for dancing. Nowadays, I will do lots of free dancing either with groups or alone during my leisure time. Apart from my piano teacher, no other teacher appears in the memory of my education during the Kindergarten stage.

When I started my education at a primary school (age 6 to 12), I was soon appointed as the class leader to manage the students’ behaviours when the teacher was not in the class. Every time when my teacher was absent from our class, the whole class started to get wilder and wilder. There was so much noise and messing about among my classmates that I didn’t know how to manage them correctly and efficiently. The only two things that I learned to do were: firstly, to write down their names on the blackboard if they miss behaved so then I could report to my teacher; secondly, to copy what my teacher used to do: to command everyone to stand up and she would hit everyone’s palms with a stick. I did the same to my classmates as what my teacher used to do, if the whole class was completely out of control. This way of disciplining the class might seem so unbelievable right now, but it was exactly how it happened then and there.

I couldn’t remember whether my teacher was aware of what I was doing when she was not in the class. She didn’t say anything to me until one day, a parent of my anonymous classmate came to the school and made a complaint to my teacher as, ‘how dare Yuan was to hit my loved child!’ When my teacher informed me and asked me not to hit any pupils any more, I clearly felt a huge sense of humiliation and embarrassment flushing through my chest to my head. I felt as if the whole class hated me and no one would be my friend any more! I could neither remember what my teacher exactly told me or whether she made some effort to comfort me afterwards, but this incidence had kept deeply in my heart as a shameful wound/mistake forever. This had also acted an influential impact to my future role among my peers because I rarely found myself confident and comfortable enough to be the leader of a group any more. Even though, I was still elected or appointed to be the leader of my class from time to time since then.

Looking back to the Education from home at that time, all I could remember was my lovely Dad’s intensive love and patience to me. He had spent tones of time with me: reading me a book, helping me out for school tasks or listening to music together etc. Everybody said that I was my Dad’s only love and this made my other two brothers invisible. Sometimes I would feel sympathetic to my ignored brothers, but most of the time, I focused on myself and very much enjoyed the privilege of the full-attention given by Dad. However, there was one thing that I never understood, that was his terrible and unloving relationship with my Mum comparing with the way he had been treating me. This made me feel very confused and eager to know what love is all about. How could love feel so contradictory? I started my journey in searching (questioning) for the true meaning of love from being a very little girl.

I could always easily get excellent grades for those academic subjects, which happened to be highly valued by school teachers. There were two terms per academic year and in the beginning of every term, the school would hold a competition for the best classroom decoration. Because of my good academic performance, I was allowed to skip the lessons, quietly stay in the back of our classroom and decorate it. I felt so free and happy doing the artistic craftwork as well as whispering with my best mates who I could choose to work with. Therefore, I sneakily postponed the finishing time of preparation for the competition. I was so proud and fearless for not joining the lessons because I only needed to sit at my desk intensively studying the tasks alone and listen to my teacher for revision two weeks before the big exams. ‘I can get good grades anytime anyway’, I thought.

However, when I reflect this general pattern of doing my study, I finally realize how much time I have wasted on feeling anxious about completing my course work because I just cannot finish my tasks at the last minute. I think I have acquired a bad habit for doing my study since then.

I was pretty dominant and had very strong points of view on many things. For instance, we set targets before our exams and if someone couldn’t reach the targets, he/she had to accept the punishment: the class teacher could hit his/her palms with a stick. Once, I argued with my class teacher who seemed to favour girls more than boys because he hit boys obviously harder. Although I never needed to accept the punishment, I still didn’t like my teacher’s unfairness. Perhaps, I also subconsciously hated this system of setting targets and getting punishment, which would only remind me of the shame on hitting my own peers. I raised many reasons for my argument to my teacher, and magically, he apologized to me! It was my first time to experience an adult’s apology as far as I could remember and I considered that as a miracle.

This event has taught me to be a fair and honest person. If I’ve made some mistake, I just need to admit it and say a ‘sorry’ to the person involved, no matter whether this person is a child or an adult. Also, I was encouraged to be brave and fight for my own justice.

Despite all those ‘glorious achievements’ in my school life so far, there was constantly a secret sense of being a failure in my mind. That was, I never won a medal in any of those sporting competitions. I used to tell myself, ‘I will give up any of my other paper certificates in order to exchange a shiny and beautiful medal that is only seen on the sporting events.’ But unfortunately, this wish has never come true in my life.

After I entered a junior and senior high school (age 12 to 18), I had been aware of my life gradually going into a dark period in which I rarely felt happy or interested in things around me. I went to a private girls’ school. It was famous for its highly academic reputation and strict disciplines, and there were always quiz or exams waiting for me to complete. The teachers there always said to us, ‘this is for YOUR OWN GOOD to test you so you will spend some time on studying.’ I didn’t know whether they genuinely thought in this way or not, but I only felt myself having to work very hard to catch up with all the requirements and there were very few things at school that would cheer me up. When I went home from a dreadful school, I felt even more frustrated because my Mum and Dad were either always arguing or treating each other with icy coldness. They both claimed that they loved me very much, but why couldn’t they love each other? I needed something more than what those adults had showed me and thought what was beneficial to me, but I had very little time, strength and ability to search for the meaningfulness in life.

Once again, I only spent the last minute on studying my text books, and I used lots of time, including my sleeping time, on reading novels for romance or love. It seemed that there was a huge empty hole in my heart which was eager to be filled with love, even thought I was very confused about what love actually was. My Science teacher then somehow filled that hole for me for about two years!

My Science teacher was enthusiastic for the knowledge in Science as well as for poems and beauties. He would spend sometime on explaining how Physics works in general in his lessons, and then read some of his favourite poems to us during the free time. It didn’t take me too much time to experience a complete crush on him especially when I watched and listened to him reading and imagined all those beautiful scenes in his chosen poems. My fantasy about him somehow encouraged and interested me to study Science spontaneously. I was willing to initiate my study in Science without the pressure from exams. In his lessons, I was always enthusiastic to raise my hand and ask questions if I had some, and I just couldn’t wait to get my answers right back.

However, unfortunately, my peers didn’t like how I behaved in the Science class at all. They responded their dislikes by grouping other girls and leaving me in a totally isolated social situation. They also made a complaint to my Science teacher about me asking too many questions during the lessons. I had then been through a tough period with nearly no friend being there and supporting me. It was until 20 years after that incidence when I started my study for a Master’s degree in the UK, sitting in a class full of questions and discussions, watching my other UK classmates free of speaking in the class, that I finally realized how much I had suppressed myself from freely speaking my own voice in the public. I had to work for quite a long time on reflecting and clarifying those fears in my mind, and cleaning those damages in me from the past, in order to totally enjoy my student life again.

Because of the influence from the constant exams and the impacts after getting my exam papers back which might be covered with wrong answers, I’ve now found myself being so cautious about making any mistakes. I often find myself wasting so much time on making sure the information is correct and being so obsessed to double (triple or even quartic) check the numbers for my payslips, bank account details, or passwords etc. Sometime, I felt so tired of myself behaving in this way but I just couldn’t stop this obsessive habit. I have a continuous pain on my left shoulder for nearly ten years so far and I guess from my instinct that the pain has something to do with this intensive personality that has developed for years in me.

Generally speaking, I don’t like my school life before the age of 18 very much. It seems that those interactions among people surrounded me have a larger influence on me, comparing with the academic learning experience. I barely remember the academic influence on me though. Even if there was any, I just don’t feel that I have a need to reflect upon it.

Is there a saying that you cannot get a harvest season full of beautiful blossoms if you have not been through a cruelly cold winter? I don’t know whether this idea also applies to how we have learned and developed from our school life, but if I can choose again for my own Education, I’d rather like to choose a more cheerful and interesting one.

The Emptiness!!

This is a piece of conversation that I had a good go with the big issue 'Emptiness'. I'd like to share it with you XxX

‘Emptiness’ to me doesn’t mean ‘empty all our emotions’ because that will only make us a ‘vegetable’ rather than ‘lively human beings’. ‘Emptiness’ from the perspective of ‘emotions’ is to help me to understand that:
Just be what and who we are, and there’s no need trying to ‘attache’ to some emotions because there’s nothing (no point) we can take them with us, or keep for even a second, or try to get away from them.

This, of course, applies to our so-called negative emotions: because humans tend to be conditioned (controlled) by those ideas that are commonly accepted by the society, people seem to easily suppress what they’ve felt negatively and pretend there’s nothing wrong about their emotional health. To this point, we need to have enough courage to say ‘yes’ to what have sensed inside us and be wise enough to deal with the possible confrontation because of the ‘conventional ideas’ from outside. Probably, we need to spend lots of time meditating on how the causes have affected our emotions and when we can see things clearly, still we need to just let go of them.

There is another issue about human’s Ego concerning the ‘Emptiness’ because people tend to think they are individual and separated from the ‘Oneness’ (eg. the others). According to Steiner Rudolf, human’s Ego is one of the crucial stages of the ‘Evolution’ (explained in the theory of ‘four fold human beings’) at least on this earth. So, let’s spend some time learning about the Ego and then still, we need to let go when we are ready to give a leap to the next stage, which is defined by Steiner as ‘Spirit Self’. As long as we are ready for the lesson on this stage, there will be a subject called ‘compassion’ or so-called ‘matured love’ (true love, whatever people call it) waiting for us to experience.

‘Experience’, yes! Experience is the main vehcle that I hold on to in my journey through life in order to let me truly feel and understand the ‘Truth’. Thus, emotions are very important materials for me to reflect and reference upon….

Wow!! You’re asking a question that humans have been spending at least five thousand years studying on. No mention to other periods of ‘time’ that we don’t hold a ‘written history’ as some evidence. Plus, ‘time is only an illusion of the human’s mind’ so we are talking about a massive project here. I think I have to stop writing now. Thanks! Love and lights to you.

Tuesday Moaning!

I've been wanting to write something about my kids at work lately because I often got tears sprung from my chests every time when I thought of them.
But, I haven't finished writing those educational reports to those important Educational Officers yet, so I'd better get my nerves tight up in a logical way at the moment.
Sigh... I could have already done them if those Officers had allowed me to report the achievements of my pupils at school in a more poetic or creative form.

I’m living in a ‘multi-dimensional consciousness’: sometimes, the material heaviness will drag my spirits down so much that I feel painful. But again, the only solution for that is to forgive, I forgive myself for being narrow minded by putting blames on others, so that I can forgive others and re-connect to more LOVE. On the other hand, sometimes, I really feel appreciative to the heaviness because it has largely helped me ‘grounded’. It is indeed a very beautiful and solid feeling that everything is possible to be actualized.

In order to find some of my mates in the study of Autism, I’ve joined a facebook group named ‘the Gifts of Autism’, created by Lori Gahana Shayew. I feel less alone there, even though I haven’t got the time to read through what people have been talking about in this group yet. Sometimes, the best way to spare your time is to follow your instinct! I’m happened to be the one who is often right, ha ha~

All right then, I need to get back to my ‘official writing’ now. Till next time!

PS. The attached letter has nothing to do with what I’ve been ‘bull-shitting’ here so far. It is just a reply to one of my old friends who I met in Korea. He is originally from Bristol where I’m settling myself down now, but instead, he moved away from his hometown and has a brand new life somewhere in the Eastern Europe. Life is funny in a way!

===================================================

Hi dear G! How nice to get your message! We've just posted the full version of our wedding pictures and you might like to take another look?
http://www.jameshollingsworth.com/weddingpictures.html

It was such a beautiful day on our wedding, which was probably one of the best sunny days during the whole English summer even though it was already in Sept. Guests loved it and are still talking about that day... full of love, cares, hope and lights :)
One friend even said that he attended three weddings in 2009, and he liked ours the best because it was so 'honest'!
I'm pleased what he had felt and said to me~

I used to have an English boy-friend in 1999. It's as strange as what you've felt between you and me, because now he is a Taiwanese citizen, and I've just married to an English guy and am going to settle down in the UK. Life is full of miracles as I always experience!

You and my ex are two guidance angels who have been sent to my life from God, so I will be able to follow the hints to search for my dear husband, James, at the present! It is a more than 6,000 miles and 35 or so years of journey in searching for LOVE.
Of course, you and my ex are indeed parts of the LOVE project from the whole perspective of history, geography and humanity! Many thanks for that XxX

We're now living near the Blaise Castle Natural Reserve area, called Lawrence Weston. We have a cute little back garden and a crystallized cliff to climb up for farming. Also, it only takes us 3-minutes by walk to enter a complete wildness, which again is another miraculous manifestation in my life - I used to day-dream a lot about living in a 'civilized countryside' more than 6 years ago.
Even now when I recall back to this one of my million dreams, it still feels so speechlessly astonishing.

Well, it is about my life so far. What will be the next surprise? Let's wait and expect ;P
How about your life miles away from your hometown, Bristol? I want to know, too.

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Snow in Bristol

I walked out in 4 inches of snow around 6:40 this morning trying to catch the bus to work, and had an amazing experience. Especially while standing in front of the endless field (Blaise Castle Natural Reserve), I felt it might be what it would be like in the end of the world! It was only left speechlessly with dead silence but extreme tranquility...

The other face of me playing with the snow:
http://www.wretch.cc/album/show.php?i=SHYuan1410&b=9&f=1124457549&p=0

They were both so true to me!

A short note about the wedding

Myself has disappeared in the waves of the abundant humans' love... the whole world is blessed because of love... when love is uncovered and purified more, there will be no fear or suffering; and only joys, peace and freedom needed to be kept, forever to the forever... This is what I've learned from this wedding~

Peoples and I

*

I walk out....

and walk into peoples

There are many different kinds of peoples

*

One, his eye contacts are like butterflies

They fly in a wavy flow

dotty though

Once, they stop on the TV screen

and then alcohol bottles

and then the reflections of the windows

and then the chair handles

and then the wooden ceilings...

For five minutes that I have been watching him,

his butterflies never stop on my face

*

Another one, his whole face was glowing

his pair of hands was holding a big camera

with a very long lens

as if he had the most precious treasure

in this world

He was excited, very I could feel

After showing his camera window to many people,

he was then walking to me

With the face still shining

smiled

I felt flattered

was also curious at his camera window

He shares his treasure with me

enthusiastically

I see it! I can see it!

I can see his beautiful spirits

twisting inside that tiny square...

I am excited now

For the first time, I seriously want to remember his name

as an honour towards his talent

Soon, he jumped away

Right at the moment I opened my mouth

to also share with him, something from myself

His ignorance loudly slapped on my widely-opened heart

It had left...

surprised, hurting, and

completely alone

I will never put my beauties into his camera window

Never!

*

I walk out of peoples....

and soon, I need to walk back again

*

I greet to a woman

She has lively eyes and colourful expressions

She dances with me

we catch the lines of music, swimming together

like two blue dolphins

I've found myself fallen in love with her

immediately

Tap. tap. Tap... curve and Curve~

One little turn, and two

and the last Turn

a flicker of aggressiveness

sneakily flushes through her brownish skin

Was it just my illusion?

Was I jealous of her wonderfulness,

so I projected this aggressiveness onto her?

Or....

was I merely reflecting every piece of Truth?

fragmented like

I urge myself to leave

better to keep a nice distance from her

No matter in which cases

*

My mate wanted to go now

He just couldn't be bothered

to deal with this boringness

any more....

I looked around

peoples looked still enjoying themselves

very much, they supposed to

I silently replied to my mate,

'But I can't just leave my people like that!'

Painful

a stream of tears had wetted my eyes....

I stride towards my lover

I feel I have to!

Please don't ask me:

whether if he is my ex-lover,

my lover for now,

or, my potential lover in the future

From where I stand,

these don't make any sense to me

[Confusing usage of tenses]

I say to my lover,

'I love you, do you know that?'

Suddenly!

his puppet-like look melts into

Alive

for a second, just for one little second

for me to know that he still remembers

Who He Is

That's plenty enough, I wish....

this time, I've found both of my checks

Flooded

An important virtue for human beings' transcendence

A new ability that I agree* to be the most beneficial, efficient and morally good for a human being to acquire:
I am aware that what I’ve been strongly identified as a truth (the truth that I so much take for granted) might not be always true;
Or said, I often notice that I am merely assuming; and at the same time, to be able to spot the moment of uncovering the fact in which I’m after all blinded, scared, trapped and suffering from its narrowness of assumption.

This is indeed a virtue for the evolution of human beings!

* The reason I use ‘agree’ instead of ‘think’ or ‘consider’ is that I actually come across this fact-- I ‘agree’ with lots of great ancestors and higher spirits from my personal experience.



PS. English is still a language that I feel limited to fully express myself…, but it’s pretty close to what’s happening inside me though.

I use love to melt the unbearable feelings of distance...

On the coach back to London, I was reading the book 'Jonathan Livingston Seagull'. It didn't take me too much time to silently consent to Jonathan Seagull, "he spent the rest of his days alone, but he flew way out beyond the Far Cliffs. His one sorrow was not solitude, it was that other gulls refused to believe that glory of flight that awaited them; they refused to open their eyes and see."

Couple days ago, I spent a very special night with lots of blessings shared with my loved ones. Once again, I confirmed to myself quietly, "love is the only reason and solution; in fact, love IS existence." If someone ever came to the place I stand, he/she would immediately understand what I mean, and agree with this declaration.

Therefore, here comes the title of this note: "I use love to melt the unbearable feelings of distance..."
It's quite handy indeed!





This scene makes me think of a book called, "If there's a wanderer in the winter..." (I'm not quite sure about its English title, but in Chinese, it's translated as "如果在冬夜,一個旅人")

Very cool pictures, and I like them to go with this paragraph... I'm sending my heat and lights to this world, even in the darkest snow-storming night!

The "fake law" of attraction?

This is a sincere letter written to one of my dear friends.

Many thanks to him for raising this issue considering 'science' and 'spirits'. To those phenomenon that we haven't had the abilities to prove scientifically, we do need to rigorously categorize them into two different fields. However, I hope, with my whole heart, that someday, all of the human beings will experience how beautiful and joyful the spiritual world is, as I've been experiencing. By making it happen, we do need our scientists to work even harder, because we are aging and some people may never experience its beauties in their limited life, for the sake of their doubts. Those doubts were caused from their so called intelligent brain. Well, some doubts are necessary, but too much of them will constrain the freedom of a life, which I would consider it too stupid, ha!

To Cs:

Lately, I've been sincerely thinking about your 'emotional' speech regarding to the law of attraction. (Yes, on your birthday, you were very emotional talking about something that should be rationally and rigorously examined.)

I have to say: you were somehow RIGHT! We shouldn't claim something that is not scientifically proved as a 'law'. But on the other hand, we shouldn't directly reject any of its possibilities that it might be right, without carefully examining it, either.
Remember? You directly said 'the law of attraction is a lie', which was anti-scientific as well.

Two characteristics that I consider as a good scientist:
1. He/She is always curious/open to everything that might be happening.
2. He/She is humble towards this huge/massive universe.
(Of course, he/she must be very careful, rational and rigorous as that's the principle/nature of being a scientist.)

To this extend, I think both of us are not qualified enough to be a good scientist, although I know both of us are having a science degree.

However, who cares whether if 'the law of attraction' is true or false? I asked myself, and brought myself back to the original place where I bought that book for you...

What I really cared was YOU!!
Such a sensitive and fragile and kind and passionate and decent and intelligent man, like YOU!
How could this man have all the talent, but still suffer somehow deeply inside his heart?
(Even though, most of the time, he looked happy and funny.)
---Sorry for being very straight, I felt your status from my instinct, as being spiritual with a Psychology background.

I used to date two guys at your age (in different time of course), and one of them even proposed to me for marriage. Now, both of them got married, in a panic of aging, to the women they didn't particularly fall in love with. Interestingly, both of them were Pieces. Oh no! It was actually 'three Pieces guys', but the third one is still single, forty-one years old, and grieving for no wife.

I guess this was the main reason that I bought this book to you---
With my whole blessings; I wish you, as being a great guy, will catch what you really desire, instead of what you fear for.
To make it easy, the law of attraction is talking/suggesting about something that is very similar to the theory of self-fulfilling/self-defeating prophecy. And this "fake law" illustrates the process/functions in details.

However, I don't think I need to explain more here if you are not interested in. You were so right that there was no use trying to convince someone to do something, which might be beneficial to him/her, if the someone doesn't have the will.

Therefore, I guess it would be the end of this letter now.
(Great! I finally started to write it and actually finished it!)
Don't worry, I didn't spend all the time thinking about it.
(I was mostly focusing on my own personal life and lessons.)

Thank you very much for raising this issue, because one of my wishes is to help people spiritually or psychologically.
I've practiced it through you, ha ha! (I know I'm still crapped at the moment, but it will get better.)

All the best, my dearest kind friend,
Yours sincerely,
Yuan-yuan... Yes, not "when-when" again ;-)
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